HUMOR AND JOKES - BASKETBALL

Humor For Basketball And Sports Is All Here! FUNNY STUFF!

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Below is some great basketball humor text and pictures to put a little fun in your basketball world. Feel free to send any additional funny bits to us and get your name on our web site for the effort. Send all "funnies" to us at sharplab@earthlink.net. Thank you and enjoy some of the best basketball humor and sports humor around!

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BASKETBALL HUMOR - Courtesy: Garo Salibian

-You’re asked in a spelling bee contest to spell Krzyzewsky, Gheorghe, Gugliotta, Marciulionis, Jacikevicius, Ilgauskas and Szczerbiak… and you spell each and every name perfectly right. What's more, you spell Tomjanovich with an 'h' and Rakocevic without one...

-You honestly believe Bill Bradley has just about a 50:50 fair chance to become the next President of the United States, with George Bush trailing a distant second with just a 26% chance....

-You are outraged with so many 'phony' basketball fans who start leaving the game full three minutes before the final whistle...

particularly as you yourself have the odd habit of arriving a full hour before start of any game and refusing to quite the stands till the last second when they start switching off the lights...

-You think Shaq raps better than Dr. Dre and LL Cool J and acts better than Jack Nicholson and Denzel Washington...

and it's celebration time in your home every game Shaquille's free throw percentage rate jumps to double figures...

-You paint your room orange with just some abrupt lines of black here and there


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You know you are totally and hopelessly addicted to basketball when...

-You never read books. Actually never, until NBA launched its "Read to Achieve" campaign... Now you read 10 books a month!

-You think your kid has a decent one in five chance to make it to the NBA, because he plays basketball soooooo well. You constantly motivate him by saying: "Look my son. If LeBron can make it, so can you. Just train, train, train, and it will surely happen..."

-You think life is so unfair to the poor Toronto Raptors players with all those exorbitant taxes they have to pay to the Canadian government.

-You write Commissioner Stern suggesting NBA franchises must be established in every US city that has a population over 100,000. Hawaii and Anchorage should not be denied this time.

...Next stage? In a true spirit of NAFTA, you campaign for ten new NBA franchises each for Canada and Mexico.


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You know you are totally and hopelessly addicted to basketball when...

-You only buy "Sports Illustrated" issues when they have a basketball cover on.

-Your friend asks what contemporary American museums he should visit while visiting the States and you suggest James Naismith Memorial Hall of Fame as the best choice.

-You’ve got two television sets put side by side in your living room: one to watch your 900 channel cable and satellite programming, the other to watch NBA TV.

-You suggest MIT takes over the publication of the "Journal of Basketball Studies"

-When, according to you, the most famous international name abbreviations, and in no particular preference order are: USA, UK, UN, UNESCO, UNICEF, WHO, ABA, CBA, CBL, ABL, BBL, IBL, EBA, GBA, NBA, NBL, NBDL, NCAA, NJCAA, NRL, JUCO, NAIA, WNBA, WPBL, WBL, WBA, PBA, PBL, MBA, NBL, UBA, UBL, USBL, UPBL, SEBL, XBL, FIBA, WABA, COPABA, DIBF, IWBF, USADB.

-Your geography teacher asks for a class presentation and you entitle your subject: The land His Airness made famous.

-You wore a black tie as a sign of mourning for a full month after Indianapolis 2002.

-You readily coughed up with $29.99 and bought a German pronunciation guide just to check how to pronounce the name - Nowitzki or Novitzki.

-Your heart pounds so hard you can hardly say hi to your favorite basketball player

-After games, you never go down to the floor fearing you may unnecessarily cause damage to the basketball court floor...

-You nominate Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears as the next basketball sensation duo after Kobe and Shaq.

-5ive remains your all-time favorite music band and Jay-Z your favorite rapper.


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You know you are totally and hopelessly addicted to basketball when...

-Your basketball team is down by twenty five points and there's 1 minute 10 remaining on the clock. You get two free throws and you make both of them believing this will fire up your team and give them a decent chance to catch on… Then you look around and there’s nobody left on the stands... and half your teammates have already hit the dressing room...

-You endlessly argue with your English language teacher about the merits of using or not using a hyphen in Shareef Abdur-Rahim's name, while he is responding to you: Yes but who is Shareef Abdur-Rahim anyway?

-After seeing the movie “O”, you genuinely surprise yourself and your literary friends with the conviction that in his time, Othello was indeed an accomplished basketball athlete... …and you contemplate on the possibility that the multi-talented William Shakespeare possibly created the game of basketball himself and that James Naismith just stole the idea from one of William Shakespeare’s obscure works.

-You reluctantly admit that once or twice every 4 years or so, you are caught watching some few minutes of Formula 1, Wimbledon tennis, perhaps some brief highlights of Super Bowl or FIFA World Championship action. But you add, not to worry, still no sport impressed you much and that nothing can take the place of basketball in your heart...

-You think "Basketball Digest" is the publication that sells the most worldwide, and that it is published in 38 languages no less.

-You know all there is to know about Earl the Goat Manigault, but you've never heard about Michael Owen or David Beckham.

-Asked about the name of the most famous Chinese communist leader, you respond that his name is Yao Tse-Tung.


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BASKETBALL FUNNY STUFF - Courtesy: Joe Hickman

I can understand why basketball shorts keep getting longer and longer. If I had knees like some of those guys I’d want to hide them too. It’s obvious why (Losers) aren’t winning. Their shorts are too long and their shots are too wide.

Basketball is America's favorite "running" sport. Number two is avoiding child support payments.

College basketball exists out of necessity. If there was no basketball, it would be necessary for the players to attend class.

I can remember the old days of basketball -- when they shot the ball up at the basket, not down into it.

I play in the over-40 basketball league. We don't have jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.

March Madness describes the mood of everyone who's already working on their income tax.

The Final Four: sounds like the number of dollars left in O.J.'s bank account.

The first rule of watching basketball on TV: Watch only the last two minutes. Nothing much happens until then, and they only last a half hour.

The most popular winter sports are ice skating, skiing, and jumping up and yelling, "That was a foul, Whistle-Breath!"

COOL BASKETBALL JOKES

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say 'ADIDAS'."

Bobby Knight Goes to Heaven
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo.
Bobby looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Bobby, that's not Gene Keady's house, it's mine!"

Some Manic Coaching
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


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More Basketball Jokes

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"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball playerin a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

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No, but they gave one to me anyway. - L.A. Lakers rookie Elden Campbell whenasked if he earned a degree at Clemson University

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How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the"Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times:In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Bobby Knight, playedand beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It wasalot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play themagain."

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I once read a magazine bio of a down-and-out basketball star who was sodesperately addicted that he took to crime. Let's call him "Joe" for dramaticeffect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood.The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball starneighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said,"Joe, don't do this, okay?" To which the player/robber replied, "Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me."


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game that started with 18 men in a YMCA gymnasium in Springfield, Mass., has grown into a game that more than 300 million people play worldwide. The man who created this instantly successful sport was Dr. James Naismith.

Under instructions from the head of Physical Education at the School for Christian Workers, Naismith was given 2 weeks to invent an indoor game that would provide an "athletic distraction" for a rowdy class through the brutal New England winter. His creation didn't come easily. His first intention was to bring outdoor games indoors such as soccer and lacrosse. These games proved to be too physical and cumbersome.

After brainstorming some new ideas, Naismith developed basketball's original 13 rules and consequently, the game of basketball. The new indoor game was played with a soccer ball, peach baskets and nine to a side. This first contest is believed to have been played Dec. 21, 1891.


The 13 original rules.

1. The ball can be thrown in any direction with one or both hands.
2. The ball can be batted in any direction with one or both hands, but never with the fist.
3. A player cannot run with the ball. The player must throw it from the spot on which he catches it.
4. The ball must be held in or between the hands. The arms or body must not be used for holding it.
5. No shouldering, holding, pushing, striking or tripping an opponent.
6. A foul is striking at the ball with the fist.
7. If a side makes three consecutive fouls it counts a goal for the opponents.
8. A goal shall be made when the ball is thrown or batted from the ground into the basket and stays there.
9. When the ball goes out of bounds, it shall be thrown into the field and played by the first person touching it.
10. The umpire shall be judge of the men and shall note the fouls and notify the referee when three consecutive fouls have been made.
11. The referee shall be the judge of the ball and decide when it is in play in bounds, to which side it belongs, and shall keep the time.
12. The time shall be two 15-minute halves with a five minute rest between.
13.The side scoring the most goals in that time shall be declared the winner.

In the history of basketball, the highest-rated college basketball game seen on U.S. television was the 1979 NCAA tournament championship game - Michigan State vs. Indiana State final that featured Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. This was one of the best-rated basketball games in basketball history.




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